NEVER LEGALLY MARRIED?!

Several weeks ago, I contacted the benefits office at one of Rick's former employers to inform them of his death and to inquire about my eligible benefits.  The following week I received a nice packet from them outlining what I would receive.  I was a bit distressed to learn that I was eligible for only HALF of his monthly amount but I was also due a small cash settlement.  They requested that I send a copy of his death certificate and a copy of our marriage certificate to prove that we were truly married.  That seemed reasonable enough.

When Hurricane Ike deposited the huge oak tree on our house in 2008 causing over $88,000 of damage, we chose not to move out of the house during the repairs.  Our insurance was willing to pay for an apartment but there were none available for miles. We have two attics and both required repairs.  Everything in both attics was shifted from attic to attic while they made the repairs.  When they moved on to repairing the rooms upstairs, they moved the furniture from the bedrooms and loft into the attics.  Everything in both attics is in a jumble and not necessarily in the attic that it was originally in.  The death certificate I had, but the search was on for the marriage certificate.  I made foray after foray into the hot attics searching for the envelope that contains the pretty marriage certificate given to us by the minister with absolutely no luck.



I called the company and asked if a certified copy of our marriage license would suffice.  They said that would be even better.  We got married in McKinney, Collin County, Texas at 12 noon on March 23, 1963.  I looked up the Collin County Clerk online, printed and completed the form and sent it off with a money order requesting two copies of our marriage license.  A few days later, I received a call from the Collin County Clerk, saying that she had researched every record back to 1890 and no one by the name of Ulrickson had ever been married in Collin County.  She asked if I were sure we were married in Collin County.  Like I would forget where and when I was married.  Then she ask if the marriage could have been recorded in some other county.  I told her that we were living in Dallas County when we got married.  She recommended that I check with them because it could have been recorded there.  Dallas County has no record of our marriage.  The search expanded.  There is no record of our marriage in the State of Texas or for that matter anywhere in the United States.

I had a brainchild.  Call the church where we got married.  We chose to be married in the chapel of the First Methodist Church in McKinney because that was where the minister I had in high school and college was serving at the time.  I didn't want anybody but Rev. Ed T. Hayes to perform my ceremony.  Neither Rick nor I were ever a member of that church.  I spoke to the church secretary explaining my plight.  She was very sympathetic and said she would search and call me back in a few days.  She left a message on my machine three days later. The church didn't keep records of non-members who were married there.  She was so sorry but she couldn't help.

I mulled this over for a few days and finally called the company to tell them of my problem.  The nice benefits man is going to check with the legal department to see if there is anything they can accept in lieu of a marriage certificate. He will call me back.  No call yet.

So I guess that as far as the law is concerned, Rick and I were never legally married.  I told this to Karen, my friend and probate attorney, before our Sunday School class began last Sunday.  Amy is in the same Sunday School class.  Just as the teacher asked the class to quiet down so that we could begin, Amy said to Karen rather loudly, "I'm just a love child of the sixties."  You can imagine how that got everyone's attention.  When Chris told his wife, Julie, about it, she looked at him and said very seriously, "You're illegitimate," before she started laughing.  Everyone I tell the story laughs as do I, BUT...Not married, huh?  Boy were we ever married.  This begs the telling of our wedding story.

Rick and I lived in the same apartment house.  That's how we met.  I lived upstairs in a three bedroom apartment with two roommates and he lived alone downstairs in a one-room efficiency.  We got engaged on Valentine's Day 1963.  Because Daddy had died so recently and Mother said she couldn't understand how I could marry a "complete stranger," (Mother had picked out someone else for me to marry and she had only met Rick a few times.) we decided to have a small, private ceremony at the church in McKinney.  Without asking, Mother sold my Selmer saxophone for $40.00 (It would be worth thousands now.) and bought white silk to have a wedding suit made.  Rick and I got our blood tests and took off early one Friday to get to the court house in McKinney before it closed to get our marriage license.  I had a sore throat and began feeling really bad on the way home and within hours realized that I had the flu.  I missed work the next week.  Because of that we postponed the wedding for a week.  We scheduled it for 7:00 p.m. on Friday, March 22.  Penny, one of my roommates, and a colleague of Rick's from work were going to be our witnesses.  We planned to spend the weekend in the Adolphus Hotel and go back to work on Monday morning.


On Sunday before the scheduled date, Rick just had to tell someone that he was getting married.  He called his oldest sister, Edith, telling her not to tell anyone.  On Monday evening, Edith called asking if we could postpone the wedding until Saturday.  She had called the whole family in Kansas and they all wanted to come.  On Tuesday morning, I called Rev. Hayes, and he said that he could perform the ceremony on Saturday.  Wow, suddenly we were having a wedding in four days and the groom's family was coming but not one member of the bride's family even knew about it.  


To say I panicked would be an understatement. I went upstairs from Rick's apartment to talk to my two roommates, Penny and Kathy.  Rick's next-door neighbor, Lou was there also.  Kathy and Lou had both been married but were divorced.  They said not to worry that we could put something together.  My first order of business was to call Mother to tell her.  She called family in Oklahoma City while I phoned my older brother, Donald in Houston to see if he could come and give me away. Howard, my other brother, and his wife had just had a baby on March 2, so I knew their making the trip from Houston would be out of the question, but I called him anyway. Mother also called some of my friends from high school to invite them..  

The roommates and Lou decided that we should have a reception in the apartment house club room following the wedding.  We invited some friends and work colleagues to come to that.  On Wednesday afternoon, Kathy ordered a wedding cake and rented dishes, etc., to use at the reception.  I shouldn't worry.  She was going to take care of the whole reception.  I made an appointment to have my hair done and portraits made on Friday afternoon and ordered flowers. About midnight Wednesday, Kathy got a call that her grandmother had died in Buffalo, NY.  Kathy flew to Buffalo on Thursday morning. Oops!


Meanwhile, back at the apartment, Rick came home sick on Wednesday afternoon.  He was running a high, high fever but had no other symptoms.  Should we cancel?  Could we cancel now that all these people were coming?  Canceling didn't seem to be an option.  He went to bed while I went out to buy some stuff for the reception and to try to find some sort of semblance of a veil to wear.

Rick was so sick Thursday that he didn't go to work.  When I got home from work, his fever was over 104.  Off to the doctor we went.  The doctor said he could tell that he was sick, but he didn't know what was wrong with him. I don't recall his even giving him any medicine.  He just told him to take aspirin to keep the fever down.  Rick's sister, Marilyn, who lived in Mesquite called to say that she was doing a dinner after the wedding for all the families in attendance. We told her about the reception at the apartment house.  She said that we could do the dinner after the reception. While he had her on the phone, Rick asked if her husband, Jerry, would be his best man.  About all I can remember about that evening is that I was horribly busy rushing around attending to all the details.

Rick was still sick on Friday.  I left work as soon as my first-graders went home.  Rick's family arrived from Kansas about the same time that I arrived at his apartment.  His parents, and his sisters Rose Mary and Joyce and their families came.  Guess who didn't come after all:  His sister Edith who was the one who started the whole thing.  I was a little miffed about that, but the race was on for me.

First I went to get my hair done.  Then I raced home, put on my wedding suit and headed to the photographer.  I changed out of the wedding attire and picked up the dishes, etc. for the reception, dropping them off at the clubhouse.  Then I stopped in to check on Rick.  All his family had gone to his sister's house in Mesquite.  It was now about 8:00 p.m.  Rick's phone rang and it was my roommate saying that my brother, Donald, his wife, B, and my 13-year-old  niece, Donna, had arrived from Houston and were waiting for me in my apartment.  I was putting Donald and B up in Kathy's now vacant bedroom and Donna was going to sleep with me.

Donald and B hadn't eaten dinner and wanted me to go to a restaurant with them.  In spite of being sick, Rick decided to go, too, as he had never met them.  I should tell you that Donald and B were truly unique individuals who marched to their own drummer.  I hadn't adequately prepared Rick.  The doctor had told B to quit smoking cigarettes.  She complied by smoking a pipe.  It wasn't just any pipe, it was either a huge man's Sherlock Holmes pipe or a corncob pipe.  I was used to it and so hadn't thought to tell Rick.  I'll never forget the look on his face when she fired up the pipe after her meal in the restaurant.  We finally all got to bed about midnight, but I didn't go to sleep.  I was only seven years older than Donna and we had always been close.  Donna cried half the night because this would be the last time we would ever sleep together.  (She was right. We haven't shared a bed since.)

Rick still had a fever on Saturday.  I was up early in the morning.  I stopped by the beauty shop for a touch-up of my hair, picked up my bouquet and the flowers for the wedding party, then the cake and other food for the reception at the club house.  Lou had agreed to stay home from the wedding to set up the reception with the help of the apartment manager. By then it was time to get dressed and make the 30 mile trip to McKinney.


Well, everyone showed up at the church on time.  My cousins from Oklahoma, friends from school and Mother arrived from Gainesville.  Rick's family arrived from Mesquite, and a few friends from work were there, too.  The minister met with Rick and me privately in his study, then we had the ceremony.  Rick's brother-in-law, Jerry, served as best man and Penny, my roommate, was my maid of honor.  Donald gave me away.  Everything went fairly smoothly except Donald laughed out loud when Rick began his vows because he wasn't aware that Rick's real name was Oliver and he thought the minister was marrying me to someone else.


When the ceremony was over, we all headed to the apartment house and the reception was quite nice.  Except Rick still had a high fever.  Good friends and our two families were becoming acquainted.  When it was over, Penny and Lou said for me not to worry about cleaning the club house.  They would take care of it.

It was off to Marilyn's house in Mesquite.  She had put together a very nice meal and we all had a good time.  Except Rick still had a high fever.  On the way from the apartment house, Donald had sneaked Rick and me bourbon and cokes that he had mixed in coke cans so Mother wouldn't know.  I think that perked Rick up some.  Finally, it was time to go back to the apartment house.  Rick had canceled our reservation at the hotel since he felt so bad.


All my family went back to the apartment with us. The women and children went upstairs to my apartment and Rick, Donald and my cousin, Virgil, went to Rick's apartment.  I also didn't think to tell Rick that Virgil had a problem with alcohol. Donald knew, but he didn't tell Rick either.  Rick offered Donald and Virgil a drink. Donald and Rick had a Scotch and water and Virgil indicated that he would have gin.  Rick began pouring straight gin into an eight ounce glass telling Virgil to "Say when."  Virgil "said when" when the glass was full.  They sat on the day beds that doubled as couches and began sipping their drinks.

The women decided that since so many people were there, it would be a good time to move all my things down to Rick's apartment.  I went to Rick's apartment to tell him that we were going to start moving my clothes and discovered that Lou had moved all the dirty dishes from the reception from the clubhouse to Rick's sink.  They were piled randomly in the sink and all over the counter in Rick's little kitchen.  I wasn't happy.


About that time, I realized that Rick had given Virgil alcohol.  Virgil had finished about half the glass.  I guess he realized that he had had more than enough as Rick and I watched him pour the remainder of the gin into Rick's new shoes that he had bought for the wedding.  Then my things started arriving.  The clothes from my closet were brought down on hangers and piled on the floor.  The contents of the dresser drawers were dumped on the floor and the empty drawers were returned to the upstairs apartment. 

Donald, B, and Donna were going to spend Saturday night in Gainesville with the rest of my family at Mother's house.  Once they got the clothes moved, they decided that it was time to head north.  So there Rick and I were.  A newly married couple.  But Rick still had a high fever.  I looked around at the mess and decided that I must do the dishes from the reception. There was no dishwasher in the apartment so I had to do them by hand.  We both changed clothes and Rick decided to lie down for awhile.


By the time I finished the dishes, Rick was sound asleep.  I decided to deal with some of the clothes.  By 10:30, I was exhausted.  Now I spent more on a gown and peignior set to wear on my wedding night than I spent on my wedding suit.  I paid over $60 for it at Neiman Marcus.  It was beautiful with sheer puffy sleeves, lots of lace and satin ribbons.  I went into the bathroom, freshened up and put it on.  I made my entrance, calling Rick's name.  He just moaned in his sleep and rolled over.  I sat on the vacant daybed for awhile feeling very sorry for myself and wondering what to do.  I decided I should let him sleep but I'll be damned if I was going to waste that expensive gown and peignior set.  I took it off, put on my outing granny gown and crawled into the daybed by myself.  I really wished I was in Gainesville with all my family having a good time.


So now you know the story of our wedding. We were together for 47 years.  We have two children and five grandchildren.  We owned four houses together. You tell me.  Were we married or not?

September 27, 2009

 

This 'n That

It's Saturday morning and I have the house to myself until 4:00 or 5:00 this afternoon. Amy and Ray sell their grass-fed beef at two farmers' markets on Saturdays and Chris and Julie keep Katherine and William while they're there. There are tons of things I should be doing, but I've decided "I shall not should on myself today." So here I am at my computer to catch you up on recent happenings and thoughts.

In some ways it was a busy week. Last Saturday I worked the farmers' markets with Amy and Ray. After we stopped by Chris's and Julie's, we went to a Mexican food restaurant to eat. Sunday was church. I reported earlier that I went to see Rick's cardiologist. He ordered a lot of tests and on Tuesday, Amy drove me to the Texas Medical Center where we spent almost the whole day. I had a nuclear stress test, doppler ultrsounds of my carotids, aorta, and legs from my groin to my toes, and an echo cardiogram. I was literally covered with that icky gel from my ears to my toes. I guess everything was okay as I didn't get a call saying to rush in to surgery or anything. After the tests Amy and I went to Pappadeaux for a wonderful meal. I love those restaurants and highly recommend their current Triple dessert that Amy and I shared. It's generous portions of creme brulee, pecan pie a la mode, and bread pudding with whipped cream. Yum, yum--my three favorite desserts on one plate!

The rest of the week was routine. I'm still working on business related to Rick's death and rearranging closets and drawers. I hate doing both things which is why everything was in such a mess to begin with. Emotionally, I'm still all over the place. The book that I ordered, On Grief and Grieving by Elisabeth Kubler-Ross and David Kessler, arrived on Wednesday and I finished it last night. It and the book Widowed by Dr. Joyce Brothers are very helpful to me. Sometimes I wonder if I am trying to intellectualize this whole experience too much but that is who I am. By nature I am a researcher so my need to validate my feelings through reading shouldn't be a surprise. I seem to be progressing normally. It is good to know that because there are times that I wonder if I'm "losing it." In my counseling career, I have worked with many individuals about the stages of grief, yet I needed the refresher course these books provided. Tears are always so near the surface and I still can't anticipate when they will begin to pour. Each book talked about the importance of crying and said that one should never repress those tears. They are part of the healing process and the healing can't be complete without them. Kubler-Ross said to cry "whenever and wherever" without being ashamed.

One of the things both books talk about is the isolation of widows. I am already experiencing this. A few weeks ago I was at an informal gathering where a meal was going to be served buffet-style. There were widows and married folks in attendance. Prior to the meal, there was good interaction. At my table, a group of eight people were visiting. When the meal was served, all the married people moved to a table with other married people even though some were at the event sans spouses. The two other widows in attendance and I ate at the table with five vacant chairs. I'm sure it was not a conscious decision of the married people to "abandon" us but none-the-less they did. I'm also sure that they aren't even aware that they did it.

Another thing I have noticed is that widows don't go out to dinner. Widows meet widows for lunch--never dinner. Married people invite widows to lunch--never dinner. I guess when evening comes we widows are supposed to be tucked safely away in our living rooms eating in front of our televisions. So if you know a widow or a widower, sometime when you are going out to dinner, extend an invitation to join you. I'm confident that whoever you invite would be perfectly willing to go Dutch treat and would enjoy getting out of the house in the evening.

I was surprised to read that this isolation even occurs with family, then I experienced this, too. Someone I love very much hurt my feelings badly last week. Would the same action have hurt my feelings six months or a year ago? Yes, but not to the extent that it did now. I have learned that we toggle back and forth between the five stages of grief. The stages aren't on a continuum where you neatly complete one stage and then move on to the next. This incident invoked the first stage and I was almost paralyzed emotionally for four days. Finally, I talked to Amy about it and she helped me to get it into perspective. It still hurts but I think I may have an understanding of why it happened and I am moving toward acceptance of the situation. I write this because I want people to be aware that those who are grieving may over react to some situations. Please understand how emotionally fragile they are and don't be accusatory over their reactions. I must emphasize that I am not experiencing this from all my family. Rick's family has been so caring and so many check in on me frequently. I get phone calls, emails, and Facebook and text messages almost daily. They mean so much to me. I read of incidents where the widow or widower is just dropped completely by their spouse's family. My nephew David has invited me over to spend some time with him and his family in a couple of weeks. I'm so looking forward to that and I appreciate his outreach to me. My cousin, Elaine, who has been a widow for twenty years calls me frequently from Oklahoma. Then there are the caring friends: new friends and friends of many years.

I have two Karens. Karen C has been a friend for over 30 years. When Rick was in the hospital, she and her husband came to visit, she called frequently and sent Rick and me several separate cards each week. I still get about one card a week from her. She has taken me to lunch and spent the day with me. She is vacationing in Vermont and called me from there this week. Karen B is a new friend. We met at church and are in the same Sunday School class. She is also my probate attorney. Surprisingly, we share an interest in Katherine Swynford who lived in 14th Century England. Last Sunday, she provided the alter flowers at church and she sent me home with them. They are still on my dining table and are still beautiful. What a wonderful gesture. I can't leave out Alex and Charles who have been our friends for over forty years. Through the years we have shared so much with each other. After Rick's memorial service, they said they wanted me to spend a few days with them soon. About a week later they called to set a date. I told them I couldn't. I got a couple of more calls about my coming and each time I declined. Alex told me to give her a call when I was ready. I called her this week to say I would like to come next week. We immediately set the date. I am going next Tuesday. I so appreciate that she understood. I am sure that we will cry a lot and laugh a lot as we remember Rick and our good times together. Dianna has invited me to visit her in Hot Springs to celebrate our late September birthdays. Nancy, who attended my sixth birthday party (now that's an old friend!), has invited me to visit her in our home town in October. Many others have performed acts of kindness. I appreciate them all.

The Kubler-Ross/Kessler book had a chapter about how children react to grief. Katherine and William are grieving for their grandpa. After all we have kept them since they were born. They spent more waking hours with Rick than they spent with their father. Every day, after lunch, they would climb into their grandpa's lap and the three of them would watch Tom and Jerry. I have quit turning it on for them because they both become sad even though they still sit in their grandpa's chair to watch it. Last week I was sitting on the back porch watching them play in the yard when five-year-old Katherine came to me and said, "Grandpa has been gone so long that it seems like he was never really here." We talk about how much we miss him every day. A few days later, I was cooking supper and she came to me and asked, "Grandma, do you know what I'm building with my blocks?" When I replied that I didn't, she said she was building a hospital where they fix people's hearts. Three-year-old William sleeps with me. After we went to bed on Monday night I told him that his mother was taking me to the doctor the next day for some tests. I told him that it was near "the hospital where Grandpa lived" (That is what they call St. Luke's.) He got very still and quiet. Then he said, "Me-maw, He-paw died." I assured him that I wasn't going to die and I got a huge hug from him. I need to help them as they grieve in their own way. I also need to find some alone time with each of Chris's children, Zoe, Ian and Liv, to talk with them about their grief.

Well, I have said that my goal in writing this is to share my emotions and experiences as I make this journey. I've sure done that today. I will be impressed if you have read this far. If you have, I would love to have comments on this and any of my posts. I have lots more to write and hope to get another post written today. Thanks for caring!

DREAMS

About two or three weeks after my mother died in 1984, Mark, a Studies of the Future faculty member at University of Houston-Clear Lake where I was working asked me if Mother had come to me in a dream yet. I said that she hadn't. Mark is an interesting person. He has a BS and MS in engineering and an MA and a PhD in sociology. Some of his research interests were in areas that many would call the paranormal. He told me that Mother would come to me soon and to be ready for her. Well, he was right. Within a few days I began having vivid dreams about her.

After Rick died I kept waiting for him to come to me in a dream. It took over two weeks. In the first dream he was lying on the gurney in the emergency room where he died. It was so real. I deliberately woke myself up thinking to myself, "You're not going to go through that again." It was more than a week before I dreamed of him again. That time I was in the midst of another dream when he suddenly appeared in the distance. He was walking from my right to my left through a beautiful green grassy field. He had on his blue plaid long-sleeved shirt with the sleeves rolled up, but it was tattered all over. I thought to myself, "Oh no! Birds have been pecking at his shirt. He must be going to get it fixed." At that, he turned and waved at me with a big smile on his face as he kept walking through the field.

One of the biggest regrets of my life is that Rick and my daddy never knew each other. Daddy died several months before Rick and I met. They would have liked each other so much. In the next dream, I was at my nephew David's house. We were preparing for a family gathering and I was working around his pool arranging the chairs and tables. I looked up to see an old pickup coming up the long driveway. In the next instant I was in the truck sitting between two men. I looked to my left and Daddy was behind the wheel. I looked to my right and Rick was there. It was as if they communicated to me telepathically telling me that they were together and enjoying each other as much as I thought they would. I began crying and buried my head on Rick's shoulder like I did so many times. He put his arm around me and held me while I sobbed. Then the dream was over. I hadn't dreamed of Daddy in years. When I awoke the next morning, my eyes were swollen. I think I must have cried in my sleep. I am confident that they came to comfort me.

Since then I dream of Rick fairly often. We usually are doing the ordinary things that we did frequently--preparing a meal, working in the yard, playing with the grandchildren, etc. Oh, I have had a couple of quite personal and at the same time funny dreams that shall remain censored. My thirteen-year-old granddaughter, Zoe, reads this blog.

I am a mid-night insomniac and I listen to talk radio when I wake in the night. For the past several years I have listened to Coast-to-Coast AM. Night before last, David Kassler was the guest during the 2:00 to 3:00 a.m. hour. He is a researcher on death and dying and has written two books with the late Elisabeth Kubler-Ross. The discussion turned to whether the dead come back to visit their loved ones in dreams. His response was, "Absolutely!" He wrote a book with Kubler-Ross on grieving. I ordered it from Amazon.com the first thing yesterday morning. I am eager to read it.

I have never had a strong interest in symbolism, but I do think the holes in the shirt Rick wore when he was walking through the field are very symbolic. His poor body had been poked and punctured all over for multiple dialysis shunts, main lines, insertion of heart pumps through the groin, and countless IVs. I think the holes in the shirt were symbolic of those wounds and that he was on his way to healing when he was walking through the field. I hope I continue to dream about him. May all of you have sweet dreams, too.

HANGING IN THERE

I got a call from my good friend Charlie this afternoon. Those calls from friends mean so much to me. Anyway, he was not the first to suggest that I should blog more frequently. I did start this blog with the idea of sharing my emotions as I adjust to widowhood. So here is a new blog. It is difficult for me to find time to write during the day with Katherine and William here. They and their parents are still living with me. I keep them all day most days including Saturdays. Their daddy, Ray, takes advantage of the long days to work on his ranch. Hence, we don't eat dinner until late. By the time the children get their baths in my bathroom and are ready for bed, this old grandma is ready for bed, too.

I get up early most mornings and could write then but I find that I need some quiet time alone before the hustle and bustle of the day begins. I have my coffee on the back porch, listen to Tex and watch the world wake up. The past few days I have started my yard work quite early before the heat becomes too oppressive to work. I remain on an emotional roller coaster but the peaks and valleys seem to be smoothing out somewhat. I am conflicted about whether having Amy and her family living with me is a good thing or not. Of course, there is lots of activity with the children here, and the house has been a mess for days and days now. I have been sorting through a lifetime of papers (tax returns, insurance policies, etc.) and will write more about all the paperwork in a later. Right now the dining room table and other areas are littered with papers that I am sorting and filing. I am also emptying closets and drawers of Rick's clothing and shifting contents of my drawers and closet to make room for their things. All of that creates a mess, too. So it seems that I am living in a constant mess with constant activity. Amy, Ray and the children contribute to the mess, BUT how lonely would I be if they weren't here? Would the loneliness be unbearable? Probably so.

I switched from my cardiologist who I didn't particularly like to Rick's about three weeks ago. It was a wonderful experience. He liked Rick so much. He gave me hugs and told me he was going to take good care of me because he knew that is what Rick would want him to do. On the drive home, I finally realized that the situation I'm currently in isn't temporary. Rick is never coming back, and Amy and Ray may live here for quite some time. At that point I knew that I need to work on ACCEPTANCE. I must accept his death. I must accept that my children and grandchildren need me. I must accept that my life has totally changed. I must accept responsibilities that have never been mine before.

In her sermon on Sunday, Pastor Gail talked about patience. She told a story of how when she was in college her minister preached a sermon about how we should all be patient. She took it to heart and prayed for patience daily. She said one thing after another began happening to her. Finally she went to her minister to discuss the chaos in her life. He asked her if she had been praying for patience. She replied in the affirmative. His response was, "DONT!" He told her the more she prayed for patience, the more God sent to test her patience. As we were leaving the church, I thanked her profusely. Many times a day I have been praying quite earnestly, "Dear God, please give me patience." I will say that he has really been testing me recently. I have changed my prayer to "Dear God, please give me the strength to cope with this situation." I think things are getting a bit better.

Speaking of things being better, I am doing better on Fridays now. The last two or three were fairly normal days. I must admit, however, that in spite of what I reported in the previous two paragraphs, I had a complete meltdown on the 4th of July. I sobbed for over an hour and was still at it when Chris and his family arrived to celebrate his birthday. I was feeling trapped in this unwanted situation that I am in and overwhelmed and stressed by all the paper work that must be done. It is the only time that I have cried like that since Rick first got sick and it was probably needed. My college suite mate, Jane, was widowed a number of year ago. She recommended the book Widowed by Dr. Joyce Brothers written about a year after she was widowed. Jane then got in touch again to make sure I had bought it. I had and although I have never been a huge fan of Dr. Brothers, I found this book very helpful. I even used my highlighter on sections I found particularly relevant. I really think that I am coping better than she (Dr. Brothers) did. She said that women who have suffered a lot of losses in their lives seem to adjust faster than those who haven't. I have lost so many people that I loved--a five-year-old nephew when I was eight, my father when I was 20, my mother in 1984, and more recently both my brothers, both sisters-in-law who were like second mothers to me, four of Rick's sisters and several dear, dear friends. Maybe all that loss toughened me up for this. I must strongly state that none of those losses compare to the loss of Rick.

Dr. Brothers also pointed out that tears have a positive physiological effect. They secrete/eliminate a hormone that is created by stress. I have certainly more than my share of stress since September 2008 when Hurricane Ike hit. One good side effect of all that stress. I now weigh almost forty pounds less than I did when Hurricane Ike struck. I was feeling downright skinny thinking that I only need to lose another 10 or 15 pounds. Then I saw a video of me when I was leading the music at Vacation Bible School at our church the last week in June. Maybe I need to lose another 25 pounds. One other positive thing is happening. Last Friday was eight weeks since Rick's death and thirteen weeks since his heart attack. July 9th was three months since the heart attack and the 14th will be two months since his death. I think I am in a transition from counting in days and weeks to counting in months. I realize that eventually I'll count in years rather than months. I think that is good. Time is a wonderful healer.