Thoughts On A Cold Winter Day

I know that people who live only 500 miles north of us would welcome this weather and those even farther north would consider this a heat wave, but darn it, I'm cold and have been for days.  This architecturally interesting house with 38-foot ceilings and single paned high windows was build for Houston summers and not for these cold winter days. I'll quit complaining now.

In spite of my sporadic and infrequent postings, I do put quite a bit of thought into this blog.  The problem is with follow-up.  In other words, I just need to have the self-discipline to sit myself down in front of the computer to write. I will continue to share my feelings and experiences as a new widow, but I've decided that I also want to write about other aspects of my life.  I hope that to some, these posts will impart new information and to those of you who have been around as long as I, they will stir old memories. 

I fared very well emotionally throughout the holidays.  Of course, we all missed Rick but, for the most part, the season was joyous.  We deliberately made some changes but held onto the most cherished family traditions.  Then January 12 was Rick's birthday.  I awoke at 3:00 a.m. and never went back to sleep.   I  cried a lot that day.  This was all totally unexpected.  I had been doing so well.  One of the books I read on grieving said that typically there is a rough patch at about eight months.  This happens when everyone is thinking "Why doesn't she get over this, for goodness sakes.  It's been nearly a year."  Well, I was right on time.  Rick died eight months ago on January 14.  I'm doing much better now.

I continue to find old friends via the Internet, and derive great pleasure in catching up on their lives.  In most cases our children are now older than we were when we were last in touch.  I hope to make a trip to the DFW area and have a couple of mini-reunions before too long.

I'm off to visit my niece, Donna, tomorrow.  I'm packing a lot of warm clothes and don't have a set return date.  There are several things she and I want to do plus we are so content just sitting side-by-side looking at magazines, doing needlework, or watching chick flicks. I think this will do me a  lot of good.   I haven't been away like this in a couple of years.  I'm still hoping to make it to Florida in late February or early March and to Hot Springs later in the spring. Having Amy and her family living in my house allows the luxury of lengthy and/or frequent trips.

Donna is very generous in letting me use her computer.  I may work on some more posts while I'm gone.  Stay warm everyone!

A Christmas Letter to Rick

3:30 p.m. December 24, 2010

Hi Honey,

So many people have expressed concern about how I'll survive this first Christmas without you.  I'm sure you're worried, too, so I thought I'd write to let you know that I'm doing just fine.  Right now I'm busy with preparations for Christmas dinner tomorrow.  I have some things in the oven so this is a good time for me to start a note to you.  I may not finish it until tomorrow as it will soon be time to get ready for church.  I think we're going to the 5:00 service this afternoon.

It seems impossible that it has been over seven months since you were here.  On the other hand, there have been quite a few changes.  Amy, Ray and the children moved in the day you left us and they are still living here.  Chris got a job in August only to lose it in September.  It will be two years next month since he had steady employment.  Jorge's father, Charlie, died on September 25.  He and Donna didn't go to Argentina until early November as there was no way they could make it down in time for the funeral. Anita is doing okay.  All the gandchildren are growing fast and doing very well in school.

You wouldn't believe those Horned Frogs!  They were undefeated again this year, finished #3 in the nation and are playing Wisconsin in the Rose Bowl on New Year's Day.  I probably miss you the most during the football games.  I put on a TCU shirt and watch the games by myself.  Bud and Little Bit usually start watching with me, but the first time I disturb them by cheering, they find quieter quarters.  I wish I had an avid fan to watch the Rose Bowl with. I've even thought about inviting myself to someone's house but just can't bring myself to do that. I plan to start the day watching the Rose Bowl parade (I'm sure you remember how much I enjoy that.) with particular interest in the TCU float and band.  The administration even sprung for new uniforms for the band. All I can say is about time.  I think they were ranked the number two college band in the nation last year and nothing happened then as far as new uniforms are concerned.

Speaking of Bud, he has been one lonely cat since you left.  He's finally decided that my lap is a poor substitute for yours but is better than nothing.  He still looks for you.  A couple of times a week, he will walk all through the house crying with a mournful meow as if he's calling you.  For a couple of months I reminded myself of Jane with Harvey's ashes as I had difficulty finding a permanent spot for yours and I kept moving them from place to place.  Finally I moved them onto the chest of drawers in our bedroom.  I got a frame for the flag they gave me at your memorial service and hung it over the beautiful wooden box that contains your ashes.  I added a picture of the TCU flag flying at half staff in your honor and some dried roses from your casket.  It's quite a nice arrangement, and as soon as I got everything situated, Bud began sleeping next to the wooden box.  That is his favorite spot now.  Today is his (Bud's) eighth birthday.

Back to Christmas: Katherine began worrying about Christmas without you in July or August, so that made me start thinking about it, too.  She was so worried about who would put the Christmas tree up and who would put the star on top.  I was so proud of Ray.  As soon as we finished Thanksgiving dinner, he brought the tree down, assembled it, and the following night after we had it decorated, he put the star on top. 

After a lot of pondering, I decided that we should keep most of the old traditions but also should add some new ones.  I've bought quite a few new decorations and am pleased with the way the house looks.  It's not been easy doing all the decorating without your help.  Chris came over and put up the outdoor lights.  I've reconfigured them a couple times and now am pleased with them, too.  I haven't gone up and down ladders so many times in years and years.  I over-did a couple of times, but I survived.

One of my favorite quotes is from the movie Same Time Next Year in which Alan Alda and Ellen Burstyn meet once a year for 24 years for an extra-marital dalliance.  At the end of the movie, Alan's wife has died, and he asks Ellen to leave her husband to marry him.  Although many times over the years she would have done just that, this time she refused him.  In her explanation why, she talked of her husband, saying among other things, "We share the same memories."  I've always thought that such a wonderful description of a long marriage.  We share the same memories.  Some good.  Some bad.  Some funny.  Some sad.  But the same memories.

In June, I began to get the urge to contact old friends that we haven't heard from in years.  Thanks to the Internet and Facebook in particular, I've been quite successful.  From our early marriage days, I've located next door neighbors on Clemson and friends from St. Paul's Methodist Church and my League of Women Voters days.  I even found Amy's first grade teacher. She's just as neat as ever!  I've found friends from my high school and college (or my pre-Rick) days, lots of our students at TCU and the neighbor family in Burleson.  I was puzzled for awhile about why I had this need.  Then I realized that it is because I need these people because they share some of those same memories with me.  It is taking a whole host of people to replace the memories we shared.  The problem is the memories they know are the public memories.  There is no one to share those private memories we had.  I will just have to make-do on my own with those.

You know that I was back in touch with John.  He, Tancey and their daughter, Leigh, are coming for Christmas dinner tomorrow.  I'm looking forward to seeing them.  Leigh is pregnant so John and Tancey are finally about to become grandparents.  I'll close for now and get ready for Christmas Eve communion.  Chris and Julie are going to spend Christmas Eve with Uncle this year.

December 25, 2010  10:00 p.m.

Well, Christmas has been good.  The candlelight service at church was beautiful as usual.  Katherine and William were so excited about Santa.  It was fun having them living here.  William routinely sleeps with me and it was after 11:00 p.m. before I finally got him to sleep.  Santa came and they were thrilled with their toys.

You will like this story.  About 6:00 p.m. on Christmas Eve, William went to his mother and asked her if Santa really had a naughty and nice list.  She replied that he did.  William asked her where Santa kept the list.  Amy told him that he kept it at the North Pole.  William said, "We need to go there right now.  I need to look at it."  I think he was really worried.

Today was busy with cooking and meal preparation in spite of all the work I'd done in advance.  Chris and family arrived about 2:00 and we opened gifts.  John and his bunch arrived around 3:00.  The meal was good and I so enjoyed being with them.  They are moving to Houston.  I hope we can get together frequently.

So now it is over for another year.  There have been so many changes since last Christmas.  I miss you so much.  BUT I've made it through just fine.  I've had wonderful support from our friends. Don't worry 'bout me.  I'm gonna be just fine.  

Later--with love forever,
Carolyn