November 20, 2010
Well, hello everyone! I really am still here. I started a new post after three months of silence on Saturday, October 30. In the midst of it my computer crashed. As most of you know, I have had a live-in computer technician all my married life. This was one of those times that I was super frustrated without Rick. I thought about the things I had learned from him over the years and was able to troubleshoot the problems. I am proud to say that I was able to resolve them myself with the aid of a borrowed monitor from Amy and Ray. So now I'm back to updating the post I started three weeks ago today. I will go directly to it and add more at the end.
Saturday, October 30:
I've received a couple of requests to add entries to this blog. I checked and it's been over three months since I entered anything. It's been a busy three months so I'll use this post primarily to fill you in on what's been happening to me both physically and emotionally.
I have decided that grief is probably the most selfish syndrome there is. I use the word "syndrome" rather than the word "emotion" deliberately. Grief encompasses so much more than one single emotion and also has physical effects. Grief is all about the one who is experiencing it rather than about the one who is gone. I have probably been more self-centered the past five months than since I was a child. (Having a three- and a four-year-old living with me, I am very aware of the self-centeredness of children.) Even though I am aware of the stages of grief, there is no way I can control their overtaking my emotions and life at times. That is the primary reason I haven't posted to this blog. So much of the time I have been "out-of-sorts" and felt that I shouldn't post when I was in a negative frame of mind. That defeats the whole purpose of the blog which was to share this journey into widowhood with you. I will try to do that in the following paragraphs.
We'll start with the emotional front. I have spent a lot of time in the anger stage but that seems to be improving the last couple of weeks. Unfortunately, that anger is too often directed to others that I love. For that I apologize and I thank you for your forgiveness. Hopefully, I will work through this phase soon.
I am happy to report that I am spending more and more time in the acceptance stage. Oh, the fact that Rick is gone is still my first thought when I wake up in the morning and the last thing I think of as I go to sleep at night, but it isn't overwhelming my thoughts constantly as it did for awhile. Fridays are now no different than other days and I am counting the time since his hospitalization in April and death in May in months rather than in weeks. Tears are no longer constantly at the surface and I haven't really cried in ages. I feel like me again and in some ways I see a new, or at least different, me emerging.
I have read in more than one source that hallucinating that one sees his/her deceased spouse on the street or in a crowd is quite common especially around the four or five month time period. That hasn't happened to me yet; however, a couple of weeks ago, I got an extremely strong and irrational feeling that Rick was still alive in the rehab center and was wondering why I hadn't been to see him in all these months. This feeling was during my waking hours and persisted for about three days. It was all I could do to keep myself from jumping in the car and driving there to check his room. I think this probably equates to the hallucinatory episodes mentioned in the literature.
Earlier, I related some about the dreams that I had about Rick. He continued to visit me in dreams for several weeks. They were so very real. Then one night in the midst of one of those dreams, he suddenly told me that he had to go. I said to him, "I am so glad that you are coming to me in these dreams. I know they're only dreams but I love being with you so much." At that he kissed me and said, "I really have to go now," and he disappeared. That was the last of those dreams I had. I still dream of him occasionally but he is just like any of the actors in these dreams. It is not the two of us having special time together. I wonder if there is a transitional period after death and once that is up the dream visits are over.
I can certainly see why it is recommended that a new widow or widower not make any major decisions for the first year. Up until August I was absolutely certain that I wanted to sell this house and downsize into a one story. Since August, I'm not so sure. Here is some of my logic: (Your comments and opinions are solicited and welcomed on this issue.) Two years ago, Hurricane Ike deposited a huge tree on the roof necessitating over $80,000 of repairs. I have new walls, new ceilings and new floors throughout almost the entire house. I also have a new roof and a new driveway and sidewalk. Within these two years, we have replaced the water heater, dishwasher and disposal. Four years ago we made over $5,000 of improvements to the fish pond and water garden in the backyard. Besides all this, I really, really like this house. With the repairs after Ike, we made some improvements and decorated it to my aesthetic. On the negative side, the landscaping needs a lot of work and the lot is huge (.76 acres) for me to maintain. The house is also big for one person (2400 sq. ft.) and when my knees are bothering me, the stairs are difficult for me to negotiate. The kitchen and bathrooms need some updating. I plan to start painting the kitchen cabinets soon. The kitchen needs new counter tops and the upstairs bath needs a new floor. I probably could make these desired improvements for the amount of the closing costs if I sell this and buy a different house. I'll certainly not make a decision until next spring or summer. My thoughts may completely change again by then.
November 20:
The above paragraph is where the computer crashed. I will continue with the dialogue I was in the midst of.
I am taking care of myself physically. In August I had tons of tests. My whole body was "ultra-sounded." I literally had that yucky gel from my ears to my toes. We learned that I have no new total arterial blockages--just the ones we already knew about: left internal carotid and the postier tibial artery in each leg. The right internal carotid hasn't narrowed any in the last ten years. I also passed my stress test with flying colors. My cardiologist wanted to do an arteriogram of my legs to see if there is anything he could do to help the flow to my legs and feet. I went in for that a couple of weeks later. He also did a catherization of my heart. The bad news is that he couldn't do anything for my legs. The good news is that the arteries in my heart are perfectly clear with the exception of some very slight narrowing in one. This all is great news.
I continued to lose weight until the Halloween candy invaded the house. I gained a little then, lost some of it and seem to be at a "set-point" right now. The last few pounds lost necessitated the purchase of new clothes as I was "swimming" in the old ones having lost three to four sizes. Thank goodness for Coldwater Creek's on-line outlet. I hope to lose about 20 more pounds. By the way, I lost the last 10 pounds while quitting smoking. I haven't had a cigarette since August 24.
This is about all I had planned to say when I started this three weeks ago. I hope to add some new entries soon--maybe even today. As always, comments are solicited.
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