I got a call from my good friend Charlie this afternoon. Those calls from friends mean so much to me. Anyway, he was not the first to suggest that I should blog more frequently. I did start this blog with the idea of sharing my emotions as I adjust to widowhood. So here is a new blog. It is difficult for me to find time to write during the day with Katherine and William here. They and their parents are still living with me. I keep them all day most days including Saturdays. Their daddy, Ray, takes advantage of the long days to work on his ranch. Hence, we don't eat dinner until late. By the time the children get their baths in my bathroom and are ready for bed, this old grandma is ready for bed, too.
I get up early most mornings and could write then but I find that I need some quiet time alone before the hustle and bustle of the day begins. I have my coffee on the back porch, listen to Tex and watch the world wake up. The past few days I have started my yard work quite early before the heat becomes too oppressive to work. I remain on an emotional roller coaster but the peaks and valleys seem to be smoothing out somewhat. I am conflicted about whether having Amy and her family living with me is a good thing or not. Of course, there is lots of activity with the children here, and the house has been a mess for days and days now. I have been sorting through a lifetime of papers (tax returns, insurance policies, etc.) and will write more about all the paperwork in a later. Right now the dining room table and other areas are littered with papers that I am sorting and filing. I am also emptying closets and drawers of Rick's clothing and shifting contents of my drawers and closet to make room for their things. All of that creates a mess, too. So it seems that I am living in a constant mess with constant activity. Amy, Ray and the children contribute to the mess, BUT how lonely would I be if they weren't here? Would the loneliness be unbearable? Probably so.
I switched from my cardiologist who I didn't particularly like to Rick's about three weeks ago. It was a wonderful experience. He liked Rick so much. He gave me hugs and told me he was going to take good care of me because he knew that is what Rick would want him to do. On the drive home, I finally realized that the situation I'm currently in isn't temporary. Rick is never coming back, and Amy and Ray may live here for quite some time. At that point I knew that I need to work on ACCEPTANCE. I must accept his death. I must accept that my children and grandchildren need me. I must accept that my life has totally changed. I must accept responsibilities that have never been mine before.
In her sermon on Sunday, Pastor Gail talked about patience. She told a story of how when she was in college her minister preached a sermon about how we should all be patient. She took it to heart and prayed for patience daily. She said one thing after another began happening to her. Finally she went to her minister to discuss the chaos in her life. He asked her if she had been praying for patience. She replied in the affirmative. His response was, "DONT!" He told her the more she prayed for patience, the more God sent to test her patience. As we were leaving the church, I thanked her profusely. Many times a day I have been praying quite earnestly, "Dear God, please give me patience." I will say that he has really been testing me recently. I have changed my prayer to "Dear God, please give me the strength to cope with this situation." I think things are getting a bit better.
Speaking of things being better, I am doing better on Fridays now. The last two or three were fairly normal days. I must admit, however, that in spite of what I reported in the previous two paragraphs, I had a complete meltdown on the 4th of July. I sobbed for over an hour and was still at it when Chris and his family arrived to celebrate his birthday. I was feeling trapped in this unwanted situation that I am in and overwhelmed and stressed by all the paper work that must be done. It is the only time that I have cried like that since Rick first got sick and it was probably needed. My college suite mate, Jane, was widowed a number of year ago. She recommended the book Widowed by Dr. Joyce Brothers written about a year after she was widowed. Jane then got in touch again to make sure I had bought it. I had and although I have never been a huge fan of Dr. Brothers, I found this book very helpful. I even used my highlighter on sections I found particularly relevant. I really think that I am coping better than she (Dr. Brothers) did. She said that women who have suffered a lot of losses in their lives seem to adjust faster than those who haven't. I have lost so many people that I loved--a five-year-old nephew when I was eight, my father when I was 20, my mother in 1984, and more recently both my brothers, both sisters-in-law who were like second mothers to me, four of Rick's sisters and several dear, dear friends. Maybe all that loss toughened me up for this. I must strongly state that none of those losses compare to the loss of Rick.
Dr. Brothers also pointed out that tears have a positive physiological effect. They secrete/eliminate a hormone that is created by stress. I have certainly more than my share of stress since September 2008 when Hurricane Ike hit. One good side effect of all that stress. I now weigh almost forty pounds less than I did when Hurricane Ike struck. I was feeling downright skinny thinking that I only need to lose another 10 or 15 pounds. Then I saw a video of me when I was leading the music at Vacation Bible School at our church the last week in June. Maybe I need to lose another 25 pounds. One other positive thing is happening. Last Friday was eight weeks since Rick's death and thirteen weeks since his heart attack. July 9th was three months since the heart attack and the 14th will be two months since his death. I think I am in a transition from counting in days and weeks to counting in months. I realize that eventually I'll count in years rather than months. I think that is good. Time is a wonderful healer.
I get up early most mornings and could write then but I find that I need some quiet time alone before the hustle and bustle of the day begins. I have my coffee on the back porch, listen to Tex and watch the world wake up. The past few days I have started my yard work quite early before the heat becomes too oppressive to work. I remain on an emotional roller coaster but the peaks and valleys seem to be smoothing out somewhat. I am conflicted about whether having Amy and her family living with me is a good thing or not. Of course, there is lots of activity with the children here, and the house has been a mess for days and days now. I have been sorting through a lifetime of papers (tax returns, insurance policies, etc.) and will write more about all the paperwork in a later. Right now the dining room table and other areas are littered with papers that I am sorting and filing. I am also emptying closets and drawers of Rick's clothing and shifting contents of my drawers and closet to make room for their things. All of that creates a mess, too. So it seems that I am living in a constant mess with constant activity. Amy, Ray and the children contribute to the mess, BUT how lonely would I be if they weren't here? Would the loneliness be unbearable? Probably so.
I switched from my cardiologist who I didn't particularly like to Rick's about three weeks ago. It was a wonderful experience. He liked Rick so much. He gave me hugs and told me he was going to take good care of me because he knew that is what Rick would want him to do. On the drive home, I finally realized that the situation I'm currently in isn't temporary. Rick is never coming back, and Amy and Ray may live here for quite some time. At that point I knew that I need to work on ACCEPTANCE. I must accept his death. I must accept that my children and grandchildren need me. I must accept that my life has totally changed. I must accept responsibilities that have never been mine before.
In her sermon on Sunday, Pastor Gail talked about patience. She told a story of how when she was in college her minister preached a sermon about how we should all be patient. She took it to heart and prayed for patience daily. She said one thing after another began happening to her. Finally she went to her minister to discuss the chaos in her life. He asked her if she had been praying for patience. She replied in the affirmative. His response was, "DONT!" He told her the more she prayed for patience, the more God sent to test her patience. As we were leaving the church, I thanked her profusely. Many times a day I have been praying quite earnestly, "Dear God, please give me patience." I will say that he has really been testing me recently. I have changed my prayer to "Dear God, please give me the strength to cope with this situation." I think things are getting a bit better.
Speaking of things being better, I am doing better on Fridays now. The last two or three were fairly normal days. I must admit, however, that in spite of what I reported in the previous two paragraphs, I had a complete meltdown on the 4th of July. I sobbed for over an hour and was still at it when Chris and his family arrived to celebrate his birthday. I was feeling trapped in this unwanted situation that I am in and overwhelmed and stressed by all the paper work that must be done. It is the only time that I have cried like that since Rick first got sick and it was probably needed. My college suite mate, Jane, was widowed a number of year ago. She recommended the book Widowed by Dr. Joyce Brothers written about a year after she was widowed. Jane then got in touch again to make sure I had bought it. I had and although I have never been a huge fan of Dr. Brothers, I found this book very helpful. I even used my highlighter on sections I found particularly relevant. I really think that I am coping better than she (Dr. Brothers) did. She said that women who have suffered a lot of losses in their lives seem to adjust faster than those who haven't. I have lost so many people that I loved--a five-year-old nephew when I was eight, my father when I was 20, my mother in 1984, and more recently both my brothers, both sisters-in-law who were like second mothers to me, four of Rick's sisters and several dear, dear friends. Maybe all that loss toughened me up for this. I must strongly state that none of those losses compare to the loss of Rick.
Dr. Brothers also pointed out that tears have a positive physiological effect. They secrete/eliminate a hormone that is created by stress. I have certainly more than my share of stress since September 2008 when Hurricane Ike hit. One good side effect of all that stress. I now weigh almost forty pounds less than I did when Hurricane Ike struck. I was feeling downright skinny thinking that I only need to lose another 10 or 15 pounds. Then I saw a video of me when I was leading the music at Vacation Bible School at our church the last week in June. Maybe I need to lose another 25 pounds. One other positive thing is happening. Last Friday was eight weeks since Rick's death and thirteen weeks since his heart attack. July 9th was three months since the heart attack and the 14th will be two months since his death. I think I am in a transition from counting in days and weeks to counting in months. I realize that eventually I'll count in years rather than months. I think that is good. Time is a wonderful healer.
Praise God for His abiding love.+
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