It's Saturday morning and I have the house to myself until 4:00 or 5:00 this afternoon. Amy and Ray sell their grass-fed beef at two farmers' markets on Saturdays and Chris and Julie keep Katherine and William while they're there. There are tons of things I should be doing, but I've decided "I shall not should on myself today." So here I am at my computer to catch you up on recent happenings and thoughts.
In some ways it was a busy week. Last Saturday I worked the farmers' markets with Amy and Ray. After we stopped by Chris's and Julie's, we went to a Mexican food restaurant to eat. Sunday was church. I reported earlier that I went to see Rick's cardiologist. He ordered a lot of tests and on Tuesday, Amy drove me to the Texas Medical Center where we spent almost the whole day. I had a nuclear stress test, doppler ultrsounds of my carotids, aorta, and legs from my groin to my toes, and an echo cardiogram. I was literally covered with that icky gel from my ears to my toes. I guess everything was okay as I didn't get a call saying to rush in to surgery or anything. After the tests Amy and I went to Pappadeaux for a wonderful meal. I love those restaurants and highly recommend their current Triple dessert that Amy and I shared. It's generous portions of creme brulee, pecan pie a la mode, and bread pudding with whipped cream. Yum, yum--my three favorite desserts on one plate!
The rest of the week was routine. I'm still working on business related to Rick's death and rearranging closets and drawers. I hate doing both things which is why everything was in such a mess to begin with. Emotionally, I'm still all over the place. The book that I ordered, On Grief and Grieving by Elisabeth Kubler-Ross and David Kessler, arrived on Wednesday and I finished it last night. It and the book Widowed by Dr. Joyce Brothers are very helpful to me. Sometimes I wonder if I am trying to intellectualize this whole experience too much but that is who I am. By nature I am a researcher so my need to validate my feelings through reading shouldn't be a surprise. I seem to be progressing normally. It is good to know that because there are times that I wonder if I'm "losing it." In my counseling career, I have worked with many individuals about the stages of grief, yet I needed the refresher course these books provided. Tears are always so near the surface and I still can't anticipate when they will begin to pour. Each book talked about the importance of crying and said that one should never repress those tears. They are part of the healing process and the healing can't be complete without them. Kubler-Ross said to cry "whenever and wherever" without being ashamed.
One of the things both books talk about is the isolation of widows. I am already experiencing this. A few weeks ago I was at an informal gathering where a meal was going to be served buffet-style. There were widows and married folks in attendance. Prior to the meal, there was good interaction. At my table, a group of eight people were visiting. When the meal was served, all the married people moved to a table with other married people even though some were at the event sans spouses. The two other widows in attendance and I ate at the table with five vacant chairs. I'm sure it was not a conscious decision of the married people to "abandon" us but none-the-less they did. I'm also sure that they aren't even aware that they did it.
Another thing I have noticed is that widows don't go out to dinner. Widows meet widows for lunch--never dinner. Married people invite widows to lunch--never dinner. I guess when evening comes we widows are supposed to be tucked safely away in our living rooms eating in front of our televisions. So if you know a widow or a widower, sometime when you are going out to dinner, extend an invitation to join you. I'm confident that whoever you invite would be perfectly willing to go Dutch treat and would enjoy getting out of the house in the evening.
I was surprised to read that this isolation even occurs with family, then I experienced this, too. Someone I love very much hurt my feelings badly last week. Would the same action have hurt my feelings six months or a year ago? Yes, but not to the extent that it did now. I have learned that we toggle back and forth between the five stages of grief. The stages aren't on a continuum where you neatly complete one stage and then move on to the next. This incident invoked the first stage and I was almost paralyzed emotionally for four days. Finally, I talked to Amy about it and she helped me to get it into perspective. It still hurts but I think I may have an understanding of why it happened and I am moving toward acceptance of the situation. I write this because I want people to be aware that those who are grieving may over react to some situations. Please understand how emotionally fragile they are and don't be accusatory over their reactions. I must emphasize that I am not experiencing this from all my family. Rick's family has been so caring and so many check in on me frequently. I get phone calls, emails, and Facebook and text messages almost daily. They mean so much to me. I read of incidents where the widow or widower is just dropped completely by their spouse's family. My nephew David has invited me over to spend some time with him and his family in a couple of weeks. I'm so looking forward to that and I appreciate his outreach to me. My cousin, Elaine, who has been a widow for twenty years calls me frequently from Oklahoma. Then there are the caring friends: new friends and friends of many years.
I have two Karens. Karen C has been a friend for over 30 years. When Rick was in the hospital, she and her husband came to visit, she called frequently and sent Rick and me several separate cards each week. I still get about one card a week from her. She has taken me to lunch and spent the day with me. She is vacationing in Vermont and called me from there this week. Karen B is a new friend. We met at church and are in the same Sunday School class. She is also my probate attorney. Surprisingly, we share an interest in Katherine Swynford who lived in 14th Century England. Last Sunday, she provided the alter flowers at church and she sent me home with them. They are still on my dining table and are still beautiful. What a wonderful gesture. I can't leave out Alex and Charles who have been our friends for over forty years. Through the years we have shared so much with each other. After Rick's memorial service, they said they wanted me to spend a few days with them soon. About a week later they called to set a date. I told them I couldn't. I got a couple of more calls about my coming and each time I declined. Alex told me to give her a call when I was ready. I called her this week to say I would like to come next week. We immediately set the date. I am going next Tuesday. I so appreciate that she understood. I am sure that we will cry a lot and laugh a lot as we remember Rick and our good times together. Dianna has invited me to visit her in Hot Springs to celebrate our late September birthdays. Nancy, who attended my sixth birthday party (now that's an old friend!), has invited me to visit her in our home town in October. Many others have performed acts of kindness. I appreciate them all.
The Kubler-Ross/Kessler book had a chapter about how children react to grief. Katherine and William are grieving for their grandpa. After all we have kept them since they were born. They spent more waking hours with Rick than they spent with their father. Every day, after lunch, they would climb into their grandpa's lap and the three of them would watch Tom and Jerry. I have quit turning it on for them because they both become sad even though they still sit in their grandpa's chair to watch it. Last week I was sitting on the back porch watching them play in the yard when five-year-old Katherine came to me and said, "Grandpa has been gone so long that it seems like he was never really here." We talk about how much we miss him every day. A few days later, I was cooking supper and she came to me and asked, "Grandma, do you know what I'm building with my blocks?" When I replied that I didn't, she said she was building a hospital where they fix people's hearts. Three-year-old William sleeps with me. After we went to bed on Monday night I told him that his mother was taking me to the doctor the next day for some tests. I told him that it was near "the hospital where Grandpa lived" (That is what they call St. Luke's.) He got very still and quiet. Then he said, "Me-maw, He-paw died." I assured him that I wasn't going to die and I got a huge hug from him. I need to help them as they grieve in their own way. I also need to find some alone time with each of Chris's children, Zoe, Ian and Liv, to talk with them about their grief.
Well, I have said that my goal in writing this is to share my emotions and experiences as I make this journey. I've sure done that today. I will be impressed if you have read this far. If you have, I would love to have comments on this and any of my posts. I have lots more to write and hope to get another post written today. Thanks for caring!
In some ways it was a busy week. Last Saturday I worked the farmers' markets with Amy and Ray. After we stopped by Chris's and Julie's, we went to a Mexican food restaurant to eat. Sunday was church. I reported earlier that I went to see Rick's cardiologist. He ordered a lot of tests and on Tuesday, Amy drove me to the Texas Medical Center where we spent almost the whole day. I had a nuclear stress test, doppler ultrsounds of my carotids, aorta, and legs from my groin to my toes, and an echo cardiogram. I was literally covered with that icky gel from my ears to my toes. I guess everything was okay as I didn't get a call saying to rush in to surgery or anything. After the tests Amy and I went to Pappadeaux for a wonderful meal. I love those restaurants and highly recommend their current Triple dessert that Amy and I shared. It's generous portions of creme brulee, pecan pie a la mode, and bread pudding with whipped cream. Yum, yum--my three favorite desserts on one plate!
The rest of the week was routine. I'm still working on business related to Rick's death and rearranging closets and drawers. I hate doing both things which is why everything was in such a mess to begin with. Emotionally, I'm still all over the place. The book that I ordered, On Grief and Grieving by Elisabeth Kubler-Ross and David Kessler, arrived on Wednesday and I finished it last night. It and the book Widowed by Dr. Joyce Brothers are very helpful to me. Sometimes I wonder if I am trying to intellectualize this whole experience too much but that is who I am. By nature I am a researcher so my need to validate my feelings through reading shouldn't be a surprise. I seem to be progressing normally. It is good to know that because there are times that I wonder if I'm "losing it." In my counseling career, I have worked with many individuals about the stages of grief, yet I needed the refresher course these books provided. Tears are always so near the surface and I still can't anticipate when they will begin to pour. Each book talked about the importance of crying and said that one should never repress those tears. They are part of the healing process and the healing can't be complete without them. Kubler-Ross said to cry "whenever and wherever" without being ashamed.
One of the things both books talk about is the isolation of widows. I am already experiencing this. A few weeks ago I was at an informal gathering where a meal was going to be served buffet-style. There were widows and married folks in attendance. Prior to the meal, there was good interaction. At my table, a group of eight people were visiting. When the meal was served, all the married people moved to a table with other married people even though some were at the event sans spouses. The two other widows in attendance and I ate at the table with five vacant chairs. I'm sure it was not a conscious decision of the married people to "abandon" us but none-the-less they did. I'm also sure that they aren't even aware that they did it.
Another thing I have noticed is that widows don't go out to dinner. Widows meet widows for lunch--never dinner. Married people invite widows to lunch--never dinner. I guess when evening comes we widows are supposed to be tucked safely away in our living rooms eating in front of our televisions. So if you know a widow or a widower, sometime when you are going out to dinner, extend an invitation to join you. I'm confident that whoever you invite would be perfectly willing to go Dutch treat and would enjoy getting out of the house in the evening.
I was surprised to read that this isolation even occurs with family, then I experienced this, too. Someone I love very much hurt my feelings badly last week. Would the same action have hurt my feelings six months or a year ago? Yes, but not to the extent that it did now. I have learned that we toggle back and forth between the five stages of grief. The stages aren't on a continuum where you neatly complete one stage and then move on to the next. This incident invoked the first stage and I was almost paralyzed emotionally for four days. Finally, I talked to Amy about it and she helped me to get it into perspective. It still hurts but I think I may have an understanding of why it happened and I am moving toward acceptance of the situation. I write this because I want people to be aware that those who are grieving may over react to some situations. Please understand how emotionally fragile they are and don't be accusatory over their reactions. I must emphasize that I am not experiencing this from all my family. Rick's family has been so caring and so many check in on me frequently. I get phone calls, emails, and Facebook and text messages almost daily. They mean so much to me. I read of incidents where the widow or widower is just dropped completely by their spouse's family. My nephew David has invited me over to spend some time with him and his family in a couple of weeks. I'm so looking forward to that and I appreciate his outreach to me. My cousin, Elaine, who has been a widow for twenty years calls me frequently from Oklahoma. Then there are the caring friends: new friends and friends of many years.
I have two Karens. Karen C has been a friend for over 30 years. When Rick was in the hospital, she and her husband came to visit, she called frequently and sent Rick and me several separate cards each week. I still get about one card a week from her. She has taken me to lunch and spent the day with me. She is vacationing in Vermont and called me from there this week. Karen B is a new friend. We met at church and are in the same Sunday School class. She is also my probate attorney. Surprisingly, we share an interest in Katherine Swynford who lived in 14th Century England. Last Sunday, she provided the alter flowers at church and she sent me home with them. They are still on my dining table and are still beautiful. What a wonderful gesture. I can't leave out Alex and Charles who have been our friends for over forty years. Through the years we have shared so much with each other. After Rick's memorial service, they said they wanted me to spend a few days with them soon. About a week later they called to set a date. I told them I couldn't. I got a couple of more calls about my coming and each time I declined. Alex told me to give her a call when I was ready. I called her this week to say I would like to come next week. We immediately set the date. I am going next Tuesday. I so appreciate that she understood. I am sure that we will cry a lot and laugh a lot as we remember Rick and our good times together. Dianna has invited me to visit her in Hot Springs to celebrate our late September birthdays. Nancy, who attended my sixth birthday party (now that's an old friend!), has invited me to visit her in our home town in October. Many others have performed acts of kindness. I appreciate them all.
The Kubler-Ross/Kessler book had a chapter about how children react to grief. Katherine and William are grieving for their grandpa. After all we have kept them since they were born. They spent more waking hours with Rick than they spent with their father. Every day, after lunch, they would climb into their grandpa's lap and the three of them would watch Tom and Jerry. I have quit turning it on for them because they both become sad even though they still sit in their grandpa's chair to watch it. Last week I was sitting on the back porch watching them play in the yard when five-year-old Katherine came to me and said, "Grandpa has been gone so long that it seems like he was never really here." We talk about how much we miss him every day. A few days later, I was cooking supper and she came to me and asked, "Grandma, do you know what I'm building with my blocks?" When I replied that I didn't, she said she was building a hospital where they fix people's hearts. Three-year-old William sleeps with me. After we went to bed on Monday night I told him that his mother was taking me to the doctor the next day for some tests. I told him that it was near "the hospital where Grandpa lived" (That is what they call St. Luke's.) He got very still and quiet. Then he said, "Me-maw, He-paw died." I assured him that I wasn't going to die and I got a huge hug from him. I need to help them as they grieve in their own way. I also need to find some alone time with each of Chris's children, Zoe, Ian and Liv, to talk with them about their grief.
Well, I have said that my goal in writing this is to share my emotions and experiences as I make this journey. I've sure done that today. I will be impressed if you have read this far. If you have, I would love to have comments on this and any of my posts. I have lots more to write and hope to get another post written today. Thanks for caring!
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